Mollieandcharlie4evr!!!!1!1

back in prison

2007-01-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

When I first heard that Mollie was having extra sessions with our marriage counselor in the champagne room on his yacht, using her allowance from me to buy sailor uniforms and crack, I got a little hot in the head, I have to admit. Well, that might have been the after-effect of the tasers the cops used when I was caught drunkenly humping the mannequins at Macys:

Macy's worker: "Sir, please take your dick out of the seasonal display."

Charlie: "I'm gonnr bake misses Claus a 10 inch hannanukakka surprise!"

But when I woke up today in a pool of piss, vomit, blood, poo, sperm, cat piss, cat poo, dirt, bacon, porn, more sperm, really a ridiculously large amount of sperm, with the fat hairy ass of a fellow prison inmate named Bobby Sue shoved in my face and pinning me to the ground, I started thinking, which I haven't really done since I discovered my body was beautiful. With ass hair tickling my nose, I said to myself:

"Hey, Charlie, listen up. Maybe that Mollie gal ain't so bad. Maybe you went a little too far when you called her the evil stepmother of Satan, who beat him with oranges so they wouldn't leave a mark and then make him drink the orange juice...who did so much evil that Hitler masturbated to her biography..."

Then the ass hair tickling finally put me over the edge and I sneezed up Bobby Sue's asshole. He passed out right away - I'm not sure if he collapsed from the sheer thrill of it or from complications due to the big chunk of snot I think I landed in his intestines. I guess it was a watershed moment for both me and Bobby Sue. I realized that, hey, Mollie cuts the crust off of my peanut butter and tuna sandwiches. She lets me pretend we're monkeys and eats bugs off my back (we use gummy worms!). And I'm pretty sure that god created her smile in the same hour he was making Saturn and roses and ding dongs and backrubs.

So how 'bout it, Mollie? Can I move out of the pile of dirty newspapers in the neighbor's lawn? Can I stop sucking on soggy cigarettes just to feel alive? Can't we forget about the whores and the porn and the handcuffs and the hate crimes and the salmon and the clap?

I heart U baby. 4EVR

whhy I AM hpayy and U SUCK

2006-12-04T22:29:00.000-08:00

i jurst wanna let all of you to knows that i AM happer than ever befoRe!1!12231!!!?! becaus i dont need none of tat mean old hag she is teh bitch x4,000,00 and i dontt like her no more SO F U lameface. now whare did them boobies go?! i'm gonna go find me some porn

enjoy the pic sluts!!!

HELLO WORLD

2006-11-03T06:44:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! Today is a great new day!!! Waking up next to my wonderful hubby Charlie makes life worth living!! I mean, if I didn't have him, I'd probably be six feet under ground! Baby, I love you so much.

This week was another married week full of joy and happiness. Me and Charlie went to go see Saw III on Tuesday (HALLOWEEEEEN) which was so delightful. I highly recommend it for a light romantic evening. Then we went to Olive Garden, and ate all the salad and breadsticks we wanted. We didn't order anything else, because that shit is FREE! And free dessert too: 200 Andes mints!

Speaking of Halloween, boy was that fun! I was a flower and Charlie was a bee. GET IT?

Sorry I look awfullll but it shows our costumes:

AREN'T WE ADORABLE!?!?

We handed out Reese's peanut butter cups to kids with our wedding photo attached to try to inspire kids to keep marriage alive!! It worked; they begged for more!!!!!!!!

Now next weeks dinner schedule (tentative):
Monday: Hershey's stir-fry (leftover from Halloween candies)
Tuesday: Pancakes with cottage cheese and pickles
Wednesday: Bologna curry (YOUR FAVORITE CHARLIE)
Thursday: Left-overs from Wednesday
Friday: Turkey cakes
Saturday: Ham and jelly roll-ups
Sunday: Eggs with butter sauce

Gotta go! Love uuuuuuu.
-Mollie!!

BEST WEDNESDAY EVAR

2006-11-01T20:49:00.000-08:00

Dear everyone in the known universe and people outside it too!,

I AM HAPPIER THAN YOU (except for Mollie my HOT WIFE)

But that doesn't mean you can't be happy too! For instance, today was Wednesday and you know what? It was the best Wednesday ever!!! Want to know why???? Because I'm married!! You can try to be as happy as me by getting married before next Wednesday! Only, don't marry Mollie, she's all mine! (And plus you won't be close but try anyway!!)

To show Mollie how much I love her (which is a LOT let me tell you!) I bought her the pinkest dress in the whole wide world. Here, let me show you a photo from the dinner party that my work buddies (who, like me, are the smartest and get paid a TON) threw for us. As you can see, she was the life of the party!

(That was after she took off the shoes which were hideous that she should have listened to me in the first place not to wear) AREN'T YOU JEALOUS? Well, you should be, because my life is A+ #1 and yours probably sucks! I'm just kidding, friends! But really I am unimaginably happy.

XOXOXOXO
Charlie

eeeeeeee

2006-10-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

As Charlie has announced, we are MARRIED!!!! How exciting is this!? This power is so great - my bowels have become obstructed with love!

I drew a picture of how I feel about all of this right now. It's just so hard to put into words you know, when you feel something so amazing???

And onto next weeks dinner schedule (tentative):
Monday - Chicken parmesan
Tuesday - KFC
Wednesday - Pineapple and bacon pizza
Thusday - Fruit salad
Friday - Soggy Raisin Bran
Saturday - Grilled lettuce with mayonnaise
Sunday - Leftovers from Saturday

I love you Charlie more than I even know what love means what is love when I love so much it isn't even real it's so real it's just there all like in you and outside of you and true, you know!?

Anyways I have to go, Ricki's got paternity tests! GO RICKI GO RICKI GO RICKI

Luv,
MOLLIE!

So this is what it's like to finally be happy!!

2006-10-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Whole Entire World,

Someone, get me a soapbox! No, a hill! No, I need to go to Mount Everest to shout it out: I'm married!!!!!

Take that, world! I never thought I'd be so HAPPY, so so so so so so so HAPPY! It's like being born all over again! It's like being in a fairy tale, and being in a love song, and being in a warm waffle with blueberries, all rolled up into one!

Now I understand what everyone was singing about...

"I'm thinking about letting it out,
I wanna give in, I wanna go out
been looking around I've finally found
the rhythm of love the feeling of sound
it's making a change the feeling is strange
it's coming right back right back in my range,
not worried about anything else
im waking up to the beat of my,
to the beat of my,
to the beat of my heart!!!!!"

- Hillary Duff, who doesn't even KNOW

Mollie, you are my sunshine! You are my lucky rabbit foot! You are strawberry poptarts in my lonely toaster! I'll never be unhappy again for as long as I live!

Love always and forever and ever and always again forever lovingly love love,
Your Husband(!!!) Charlie